Feed the Monkey

Ha - bet you're wondering about that title.
Well, the experience goes back about a year, but I was reminded of it recently during a conversation with someone - we were talking about what to do with annoying mind-chatter during mindfulness practices like meditation or yoga.

I love Hatha Yoga - have been practicing for many, many years and find it grounding, calming and energizing.

One morning last Spring, I was standing on my mat considering my intention for the day - and up popped a negative thought, and then another, and then another.  These thoughts were all about one issue (something I was worrying about).  I did my best to brush them away; mentally swatting at them.  Now that I say that, it sounds pretty funny, but at the time, it was very frustrating and aggravating.  I thought, 'Grrrrrrr - go away, go away.  I can't be present and focus on my yoga because I'm flailing around at these thoughts.  My attention is being pulled away and now I'm mad at myself for letting this happen.'

The mental image that came to me was a little monkey - one of those little capuchin monkeys with long tails and inquisitive faces (they also make incessant little chirps).  That's what those thoughts were to me.  My head was filled with that with no room for anything else.

The more I mentally tried to brush the monkey away - shoo it, chase it, yell at it….. the more it poked at me, becoming even more frantic.  It was on the left, then the right, then under me, above me - I was getting poked at from every angle.

After a few more minutes of these mental gymnastics, I'd had enough.  Exasperated, I finally gave up and stopped flailing and said, "OK - Enough - What is it?  What do you need?"

Immediately, it felt like he'd stopped poking me.  He calmed down and then asked for a banana.  I remember laughing out loud and then imagined giving him what he asked for.  What a relief.  He took it and hopped up into a tree and sat there the rest of the time, while I enjoyed my entire yoga flow in peace.

OK - so what does that mean?  It may sound kooky, but the instant I stopped denying the thoughts and fighting them  - when I surrendered and really paid attention and acknowledged those feelings, there was a sense of relief and I could let them go.  The monkey got what it needed and was free.  I got what I needed - peace - and was then able to be present and focus on what I really wanted to do.

Our mind-chatter can sometimes feel like that little monkey - jittering, chattering, relentless, poking - pulling our focus away, wearing us down.  Instead of denying it and pushing it away, consider noticing it and then letting it go.

No matter where you are or what you're doing - if you find that the mind-chatter is taking you away from what you really want to do or would rather think about, consider giving yourself a moment to stop and ask yourself - 'Ok, what is it? What do I need right now to feel better?'  Sometimes we don't know until we ask.  This can take practice, but consider the benefits.  And, heck, if you really want to go back to those old thoughts, you can do that later.  You might even find that giving yourself a chance to let them go for a few moments gives you a fresh perspective.

Happy Valentine's Day

So often Valentine's Day is a time where we are either busy doing something for someone else (so they'll feel loved) or waiting for someone to give us something that shows us we are loved.

How about this Valentine's Day you celebrate a new love - YOU!

Louise Hay has some affirmations (see link below) - and a heartfelt suggestion….. one that I must admit I really have to consciously work at.  Here’s her Valentine to us: 

Stop criticizing yourself—now and forevermore. 

Ack - Easier said than done, but I think with practice we can get better and better at it.  Don't you?  One way is to begin to be more compassionate and kind to ourselves in words & actions.

We can start with giving ourselves permission to do something nice for ourself today (and then the next day and the next).  Try this - Do one thing a day that makes you smile or feel good.  That could be a quiet moment alone, enjoying a cup of delicious tea, reading a good book, meditating, engaging in a fun activity, spending time in nature, listening to a favourite song, doing something you love to do, allowing yourself to be pampered or receiving a gift graciously.  

Begin to fall in love with yourself.   Or, at least  in 'like'.  Whether it's like or love - find 1 thing about yourself (a trait, capability, attribute, skill or the fact you have beautiful eyes) that you admire and own it.  Admit it - you have loveable qualities.  Yes, you do.  We all do.  Of course, none of us are perfect - and that's OK!   With practice, you'll find & recognize more and more of these loveable traits and accepting of the others.

And as Louise also says:

Love and accept yourself as you are right now.  When you do, you’ll blossom in ways that you can’t even imagine. Love will heal you, I promise. Your love for yourself will work miracles in your life.

http://contentz.mkt5657.com/mson/2014/02/12/8Sbj6ume8ZuE/index.html

Here's to love in all of it's forms.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Things I Learned From Bodysurfing

This winter, my husband and I had a most excellent adventure, that included traveling to Australia and experiencing the wonders of the Sunshine Coast (it's on the East coast of the country, between Brisbane and the Great Barrier Reef).  There the waters of the Coral Sea are amazing; clear, warm and welcoming.

I'm not much of a swimmer (the dog paddle is my go-to stroke), but that didn't stop me from jumping in and enjoying the ocean.  Here's what I learned - funny now that I look at it, surfing is a lot like life.

1. Know the rules - for example: swim between the flags - avoid sunrise/sunset (the sharks are grocery shopping at those times).

2. Respect - the ocean - that means being present & alert.  Don't turn your back on the ocean - ever.

3. Not all of the waves that come by are meant for bodysurfing.  It's ok to let them go by.  There will be another one, in no time; one that's even better.

4. Timing is everything.  Too soon and you miss the peak, too late and, well, you miss the peak.

5. It's ok to not know how to do something well and still enjoy yourself.  Sometimes just being out there giving it your all is enough.  In fact, most times that is where the pleasure comes.

6. Be open, watch and learn the ropes from the locals (plus see #1).

7. If the perfect wave comes by and you miss it - that's ok, there will be another one.

8. If the perfect wave comes by and 'dumps' you onto the beach - that's ok, pull your bathing suit bottoms up and get back in there.

9.   Let all that comparing and fear of looking like a goofball go.  Let it go. NO ONE (other than the lifeguard) is watching you.  They're all out there looking for their perfect wave to surf on and trying to avoid getting 'dumped'. 

10. If you find yourself 'dumped' by a wave, with your suit around your ankles, your mouth full of sea water and sand in your (parts)…. at that moment, you get to choose.  You can you can cry, you can wait for someone to notice and feel sorry for you, or you can pull your pants up, spit out the water, clear off the sand and get back out there.  

11. Some people are happy just watching from shore - and THAT IS OK.  Wave and smile.  Maybe they will be encouraged to try it simply by watching how much fun you're having.

12. Notice when it's time to take a rest and do that.  You can always jump back in later.

13. Don't assume all ocean water is equal.  I have lived in Vancouver and have never swam in the water here (it's waaay too cold for me).  The Coral Sea is many degrees warmer.  I wouldn't have found that out without jumping in.

14. Ocean water is incredibly buoyant.  Like, wow, at times I felt like I didn't even have to try - it just held me up.

15. The best surfing I did was when I was most relaxed.

16. You can't control the ocean - really.  You may think you can, but nope, you can't.  It's best to surrender that belief as soon as possible and move on.

17. Sometimes the wave you thought would only be 'meh' is the one you enjoy bodysurfing the most, takes you you the farthest and is the easiest to ride.

18. Sometimes the wave you thought would be perfect - isn't.

19.  Wear water-proof sunscreen (minimum 30).

20. Have FUN.  It really is up to you!

21. It's liberating to allow yourself 'one more wave'.

22. It's ok to give yourself permission to feel like a kid and really enjoy yourself (see #21).

23. It really doesn't matter how anyone else is surfing - or what they're doing….. you get to choose the wave….. you get to ride it (or not)……. you get to decide what you want to do & how to feel.

24. When I relaxed and allowed the ocean to carry me, I had the most wonderful, joyful rides.

25. When I tried to force it (ha ha), is when I most often found myself on my ass, getting dumped, spitting out salt water & frantically pulling my bathing suit back on.  Sometimes (dumb luck?) it worked and I did glide for a while, but most often I got schooled.

26.  You don't have to be an olympic swimmer to really enjoy yourself in the water.  Be smart, surf with a friend, stay within the flags, be present and respectful of the ocean and start with what feels ok, right and safe.  Soon, you'll find yourself with an enormous grin on your face saying - 'ok, just one more wave!'.

Own It

While working on a marketing plan to help grow my Hypnotherapy business, I spent valuable time with a trusted colleague, coach and adviser.  We talked, she asked many questions and then she challenged me to 'own it'.

And, by 'it' she meant my success.

Oooooo - just writing that down makes my mouth go dry and my heart do a tap dance.

Own my success.  How do I go about that?  For most of my life, I've deflected the credit for my successes with phrases like:  'Gee, that success?  Well I guess I just got lucky.'  'I was in the right place at the right time.'  Or, 'Thanks, but it was a team effort, I was just along for the ride.'   What's sad about that is that I said those things to myself, too.

How can I expect others to see me as a successful businesswoman if I don't first see myself that way? 

Do I believe that owning my success would be seen as bragging?  As arrogant?  Is it prideful?  Is it considered in bad taste?  Hmmmm. Maybe that's my old limiting belief about success. 

Maybe it is something altogether different.  Maybe owning success is a way of celebrating life more fully; shining light on one's hard work, intelligence, determination and achievements.

Funny.  Success is something I admire in others and aspire to - and yet, when asked to list my past successes, I come up blank.

That can't be.  I've lived 50 years on this planet, surely I've had some successes.  And, I'm sure if I asked my wonderful family and friends, they'd be happy to remind me of the time I did that, this or another thing.  So, why the heck is it so hard for me to even start the list?

So - there is my challenge for the week.  Begin with the first step;  list a minimum of 10 of successes in my life.

My goal is to believe in myself and my abilities more, own my success, accept the credit for a job well done and begin to feel more sure of myself.  That way, the next time someone asks me what I do, or what I've done, I can speak with enthusiasm and confidence - just like I would if I were describing my best friend and their success.
I love the work I do, and want to do more of it.  By being successful, I will be able to attract more clients and help more people.   So, when I re-frame success and look at it from that angle and at why it's important to me, my success is absolutely a good thing for me to own.

Let Go of the Fantasy

Letting go of the fantasy of what we expect others to be and of what we think others expect us to be, liberates us from disappointment and unhappiness.

Thru a series of events that stacked up in the past 72 hours, I came to this conclusion:
When I can let go of the fantasy of what I expect a relationship to be, I free myself and become more accepting.  Accepting of myself just as I am and more accepting of others as they are. 

I'm not advocating becoming a doormat.  In fact, it's more about finding the willingness to accept and understand who I am and stand up for myself.  Reaching that point makes it so much easier to accept others the way they are, and there's less disappointment. 

Now, to be fair, this is still new.  I haven't said that I've actually been able to let go of the fantasy, yet.  It does, however, feel like a step in the right direction.

Today I recognized that I've been holding onto a fantasy.  The hopes a certain family member would change and that the result would be our having a closer relationship.  In the past, every time we'd have an interaction, I'd tie myself up in emotional knots, telling myself that if I was just good enough or stood on my head enough, or pretended to not care enough, they would change;  they'd see me differently, would open up, accept me, and my fantasy relationship would be complete.   Nope, didn't happen.

Even though I know that we can't change people, I was still secretly hoping this person would change for me. 

Huh, that's a bit presumptuous, isn't it?  I know I don't like it when people try to change me, why would they be any different.

In situations when I'm not honoring who I really am; when I'm pretending to be what I think someone else wants me to be, it's pretty much the same as not standing up for myself.  Is it any wonder I feel disappointed when that occurs?

And, looking back, there have been times when I've transferred that disappointment to whomever I thought was 'supposed' to protect me in that moment. 

Now that I'm an adult, the onus is on me to stand up for myself.  I am capable of it.  It's my job.

What does this all mean?  I have to get honest with myself and ask some tough questions.  What am I getting out of the fantasy?  What do I really want out of the relationship?  What am I prepared to do to achieve that?  What are my boundaries?  What do I deserve?  How do I want to be treated?  How can I learn to accept myself and stand up for myself more?  Am I prepared to let go of the fantasy relationship - and embrace the reality?  What's the worst thing that could happen if I let go of that fantasy?  Is that true?  Is the fear of letting go of the fantasy bigger than the liberation and joy of accepting myself? 

This is all a work in progress - so I don't know what the results will be.  I can't control their response or the outcome, but I can make different choices for myself.  Just recognizing that I am really the one who's in charge of how I feel makes me stronger, more clear and aware that I want to stand up for myself and I can.  Maybe that's all I need to know for now.

Oooops - I messed up

We all make mistakes.

Funny, how easy it is to forgive others and reassure them that stuff happens.... that they are doing the best they can with what they've got; to err is human and all that.  We are so much more kind towards others than we are towards ourselves when we trip up.

It's easy to say to others. 'Let it go.  Nobody is perfect.  Apologize, fix it, learn from the mistake and move on; do better next time.'

So - What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake?  What words do you use?  What about the tone?

Well, I goofed up today; a mistake that no one else will ever know about.  It might not seem like much to anyone else.  But, I know about it and it feels big.  The first thing I noticed was that I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut and I held my breath - nausea followed closely and then the words started flooding in.  I was yelling hurtful & recriminating words at myself (out loud and in my head).  That produced feelings of regret, disappointment, dismay, embarrassment and sadness.

Blech.  That's not the environment or attitude I want to create for myself. 

What did I do?
Well, I ran away.  I dove right into my bathtub (with bubbles).  In that moment it seemed like the safest place for me.  Safe yes, but I continued to beat myself up (verbally) for a bit.  Then, as I sat there in the hot, soothing water, trying to relax, I had a little chat with myself and realized that the angry words and feelings were futile and all that was happening is that I was punishing myself.

So, I imagined a conversation with the person and sincerely apologized for the slight.  Then I realized why I had done what I'd done - what my motivation was.  Fear and judgement.  There, I said it.  Fear and judgement had led me to react in a way that goes against how I really want to be - loving and open, accepting and fair. 

No wonder I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. 

Once I had realized why, I felt a bit better, because that helps me figure out what exactly caused my fear - what it was that caused me to feel threatened.   Aha.  So, that begs the question.  Is that threat real?  NO.  It's imagined, but it goes deep because ultimately, it shows me that I have some work to do in the area of abundance.

So, what do I do next?  Like I said, this error of mine may never be known by another soul.  So, there is really nothing to 'fix'.  What do I do now?  I want to move on - learn from this and let it go.  I cannot change the past.  What is done, is done.  The next step is to forgive myself for my own misjudgement - for not being perfect.

Ha - why is it so much easier to forgive others?

Maybe it's time for another bath. 

Rankin & Brown Telejam

I had the opportunity to listen to this Telejam yesterday, and I can say quite enthusiastically - It rocked!  Dr. Lissa Rankin & Brene Brown are cool (even if they say they're not), interesting, funny and wise women. 

This is all about optimal health, wellness & happiness - and as you know, I'm pretty passionate about those topics.  It felt like I was listening in on a fascinating conversation between two friends.  The tone is warm, friendly & supportive.  There are stories, personal insights and candid suggestions.  The info is really interesting and easy to relate to.  If you have an hour (and trust me, it FLIES by) please take a listen. 


They talk about the importance of vulnerability, joy and finding ways to get out of the chronic fight/flight cycle.  When we are calm - in a relaxed state - our body's natural healing abilities are activated.  When we are in fear/shame/anger, etc that same ability is shut down.  It's our natural survival mode.  When we think we're being threatened, the priority is fight/flight.  So, you can imagine how important it is to find ways to relax, feel safe and calm. 


http://lissarankin.com/program/brene/?inf_contact_key=f2585dfacb8b60a8609072b225053a699ce12a737f765250c2c77f0f7b36207e


 It's definitely time worth spending - on yourself!