Own It

While working on a marketing plan to help grow my Hypnotherapy business, I spent valuable time with a trusted colleague, coach and adviser.  We talked, she asked many questions and then she challenged me to 'own it'.

And, by 'it' she meant my success.

Oooooo - just writing that down makes my mouth go dry and my heart do a tap dance.

Own my success.  How do I go about that?  For most of my life, I've deflected the credit for my successes with phrases like:  'Gee, that success?  Well I guess I just got lucky.'  'I was in the right place at the right time.'  Or, 'Thanks, but it was a team effort, I was just along for the ride.'   What's sad about that is that I said those things to myself, too.

How can I expect others to see me as a successful businesswoman if I don't first see myself that way? 

Do I believe that owning my success would be seen as bragging?  As arrogant?  Is it prideful?  Is it considered in bad taste?  Hmmmm. Maybe that's my old limiting belief about success. 

Maybe it is something altogether different.  Maybe owning success is a way of celebrating life more fully; shining light on one's hard work, intelligence, determination and achievements.

Funny.  Success is something I admire in others and aspire to - and yet, when asked to list my past successes, I come up blank.

That can't be.  I've lived 50 years on this planet, surely I've had some successes.  And, I'm sure if I asked my wonderful family and friends, they'd be happy to remind me of the time I did that, this or another thing.  So, why the heck is it so hard for me to even start the list?

So - there is my challenge for the week.  Begin with the first step;  list a minimum of 10 of successes in my life.

My goal is to believe in myself and my abilities more, own my success, accept the credit for a job well done and begin to feel more sure of myself.  That way, the next time someone asks me what I do, or what I've done, I can speak with enthusiasm and confidence - just like I would if I were describing my best friend and their success.
I love the work I do, and want to do more of it.  By being successful, I will be able to attract more clients and help more people.   So, when I re-frame success and look at it from that angle and at why it's important to me, my success is absolutely a good thing for me to own.

Let Go of the Fantasy

Letting go of the fantasy of what we expect others to be and of what we think others expect us to be, liberates us from disappointment and unhappiness.

Thru a series of events that stacked up in the past 72 hours, I came to this conclusion:
When I can let go of the fantasy of what I expect a relationship to be, I free myself and become more accepting.  Accepting of myself just as I am and more accepting of others as they are. 

I'm not advocating becoming a doormat.  In fact, it's more about finding the willingness to accept and understand who I am and stand up for myself.  Reaching that point makes it so much easier to accept others the way they are, and there's less disappointment. 

Now, to be fair, this is still new.  I haven't said that I've actually been able to let go of the fantasy, yet.  It does, however, feel like a step in the right direction.

Today I recognized that I've been holding onto a fantasy.  The hopes a certain family member would change and that the result would be our having a closer relationship.  In the past, every time we'd have an interaction, I'd tie myself up in emotional knots, telling myself that if I was just good enough or stood on my head enough, or pretended to not care enough, they would change;  they'd see me differently, would open up, accept me, and my fantasy relationship would be complete.   Nope, didn't happen.

Even though I know that we can't change people, I was still secretly hoping this person would change for me. 

Huh, that's a bit presumptuous, isn't it?  I know I don't like it when people try to change me, why would they be any different.

In situations when I'm not honoring who I really am; when I'm pretending to be what I think someone else wants me to be, it's pretty much the same as not standing up for myself.  Is it any wonder I feel disappointed when that occurs?

And, looking back, there have been times when I've transferred that disappointment to whomever I thought was 'supposed' to protect me in that moment. 

Now that I'm an adult, the onus is on me to stand up for myself.  I am capable of it.  It's my job.

What does this all mean?  I have to get honest with myself and ask some tough questions.  What am I getting out of the fantasy?  What do I really want out of the relationship?  What am I prepared to do to achieve that?  What are my boundaries?  What do I deserve?  How do I want to be treated?  How can I learn to accept myself and stand up for myself more?  Am I prepared to let go of the fantasy relationship - and embrace the reality?  What's the worst thing that could happen if I let go of that fantasy?  Is that true?  Is the fear of letting go of the fantasy bigger than the liberation and joy of accepting myself? 

This is all a work in progress - so I don't know what the results will be.  I can't control their response or the outcome, but I can make different choices for myself.  Just recognizing that I am really the one who's in charge of how I feel makes me stronger, more clear and aware that I want to stand up for myself and I can.  Maybe that's all I need to know for now.

Oooops - I messed up

We all make mistakes.

Funny, how easy it is to forgive others and reassure them that stuff happens.... that they are doing the best they can with what they've got; to err is human and all that.  We are so much more kind towards others than we are towards ourselves when we trip up.

It's easy to say to others. 'Let it go.  Nobody is perfect.  Apologize, fix it, learn from the mistake and move on; do better next time.'

So - What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake?  What words do you use?  What about the tone?

Well, I goofed up today; a mistake that no one else will ever know about.  It might not seem like much to anyone else.  But, I know about it and it feels big.  The first thing I noticed was that I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut and I held my breath - nausea followed closely and then the words started flooding in.  I was yelling hurtful & recriminating words at myself (out loud and in my head).  That produced feelings of regret, disappointment, dismay, embarrassment and sadness.

Blech.  That's not the environment or attitude I want to create for myself. 

What did I do?
Well, I ran away.  I dove right into my bathtub (with bubbles).  In that moment it seemed like the safest place for me.  Safe yes, but I continued to beat myself up (verbally) for a bit.  Then, as I sat there in the hot, soothing water, trying to relax, I had a little chat with myself and realized that the angry words and feelings were futile and all that was happening is that I was punishing myself.

So, I imagined a conversation with the person and sincerely apologized for the slight.  Then I realized why I had done what I'd done - what my motivation was.  Fear and judgement.  There, I said it.  Fear and judgement had led me to react in a way that goes against how I really want to be - loving and open, accepting and fair. 

No wonder I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. 

Once I had realized why, I felt a bit better, because that helps me figure out what exactly caused my fear - what it was that caused me to feel threatened.   Aha.  So, that begs the question.  Is that threat real?  NO.  It's imagined, but it goes deep because ultimately, it shows me that I have some work to do in the area of abundance.

So, what do I do next?  Like I said, this error of mine may never be known by another soul.  So, there is really nothing to 'fix'.  What do I do now?  I want to move on - learn from this and let it go.  I cannot change the past.  What is done, is done.  The next step is to forgive myself for my own misjudgement - for not being perfect.

Ha - why is it so much easier to forgive others?

Maybe it's time for another bath.