Let Go of the Fantasy

Letting go of the fantasy of what we expect others to be and of what we think others expect us to be, liberates us from disappointment and unhappiness.

Thru a series of events that stacked up in the past 72 hours, I came to this conclusion:
When I can let go of the fantasy of what I expect a relationship to be, I free myself and become more accepting.  Accepting of myself just as I am and more accepting of others as they are. 

I'm not advocating becoming a doormat.  In fact, it's more about finding the willingness to accept and understand who I am and stand up for myself.  Reaching that point makes it so much easier to accept others the way they are, and there's less disappointment. 

Now, to be fair, this is still new.  I haven't said that I've actually been able to let go of the fantasy, yet.  It does, however, feel like a step in the right direction.

Today I recognized that I've been holding onto a fantasy.  The hopes a certain family member would change and that the result would be our having a closer relationship.  In the past, every time we'd have an interaction, I'd tie myself up in emotional knots, telling myself that if I was just good enough or stood on my head enough, or pretended to not care enough, they would change;  they'd see me differently, would open up, accept me, and my fantasy relationship would be complete.   Nope, didn't happen.

Even though I know that we can't change people, I was still secretly hoping this person would change for me. 

Huh, that's a bit presumptuous, isn't it?  I know I don't like it when people try to change me, why would they be any different.

In situations when I'm not honoring who I really am; when I'm pretending to be what I think someone else wants me to be, it's pretty much the same as not standing up for myself.  Is it any wonder I feel disappointed when that occurs?

And, looking back, there have been times when I've transferred that disappointment to whomever I thought was 'supposed' to protect me in that moment. 

Now that I'm an adult, the onus is on me to stand up for myself.  I am capable of it.  It's my job.

What does this all mean?  I have to get honest with myself and ask some tough questions.  What am I getting out of the fantasy?  What do I really want out of the relationship?  What am I prepared to do to achieve that?  What are my boundaries?  What do I deserve?  How do I want to be treated?  How can I learn to accept myself and stand up for myself more?  Am I prepared to let go of the fantasy relationship - and embrace the reality?  What's the worst thing that could happen if I let go of that fantasy?  Is that true?  Is the fear of letting go of the fantasy bigger than the liberation and joy of accepting myself? 

This is all a work in progress - so I don't know what the results will be.  I can't control their response or the outcome, but I can make different choices for myself.  Just recognizing that I am really the one who's in charge of how I feel makes me stronger, more clear and aware that I want to stand up for myself and I can.  Maybe that's all I need to know for now.