Own It

While working on a marketing plan to help grow my Hypnotherapy business, I spent valuable time with a trusted colleague, coach and adviser.  We talked, she asked many questions and then she challenged me to 'own it'.

And, by 'it' she meant my success.

Oooooo - just writing that down makes my mouth go dry and my heart do a tap dance.

Own my success.  How do I go about that?  For most of my life, I've deflected the credit for my successes with phrases like:  'Gee, that success?  Well I guess I just got lucky.'  'I was in the right place at the right time.'  Or, 'Thanks, but it was a team effort, I was just along for the ride.'   What's sad about that is that I said those things to myself, too.

How can I expect others to see me as a successful businesswoman if I don't first see myself that way? 

Do I believe that owning my success would be seen as bragging?  As arrogant?  Is it prideful?  Is it considered in bad taste?  Hmmmm. Maybe that's my old limiting belief about success. 

Maybe it is something altogether different.  Maybe owning success is a way of celebrating life more fully; shining light on one's hard work, intelligence, determination and achievements.

Funny.  Success is something I admire in others and aspire to - and yet, when asked to list my past successes, I come up blank.

That can't be.  I've lived 50 years on this planet, surely I've had some successes.  And, I'm sure if I asked my wonderful family and friends, they'd be happy to remind me of the time I did that, this or another thing.  So, why the heck is it so hard for me to even start the list?

So - there is my challenge for the week.  Begin with the first step;  list a minimum of 10 of successes in my life.

My goal is to believe in myself and my abilities more, own my success, accept the credit for a job well done and begin to feel more sure of myself.  That way, the next time someone asks me what I do, or what I've done, I can speak with enthusiasm and confidence - just like I would if I were describing my best friend and their success.
I love the work I do, and want to do more of it.  By being successful, I will be able to attract more clients and help more people.   So, when I re-frame success and look at it from that angle and at why it's important to me, my success is absolutely a good thing for me to own.

Let Go of the Fantasy

Letting go of the fantasy of what we expect others to be and of what we think others expect us to be, liberates us from disappointment and unhappiness.

Thru a series of events that stacked up in the past 72 hours, I came to this conclusion:
When I can let go of the fantasy of what I expect a relationship to be, I free myself and become more accepting.  Accepting of myself just as I am and more accepting of others as they are. 

I'm not advocating becoming a doormat.  In fact, it's more about finding the willingness to accept and understand who I am and stand up for myself.  Reaching that point makes it so much easier to accept others the way they are, and there's less disappointment. 

Now, to be fair, this is still new.  I haven't said that I've actually been able to let go of the fantasy, yet.  It does, however, feel like a step in the right direction.

Today I recognized that I've been holding onto a fantasy.  The hopes a certain family member would change and that the result would be our having a closer relationship.  In the past, every time we'd have an interaction, I'd tie myself up in emotional knots, telling myself that if I was just good enough or stood on my head enough, or pretended to not care enough, they would change;  they'd see me differently, would open up, accept me, and my fantasy relationship would be complete.   Nope, didn't happen.

Even though I know that we can't change people, I was still secretly hoping this person would change for me. 

Huh, that's a bit presumptuous, isn't it?  I know I don't like it when people try to change me, why would they be any different.

In situations when I'm not honoring who I really am; when I'm pretending to be what I think someone else wants me to be, it's pretty much the same as not standing up for myself.  Is it any wonder I feel disappointed when that occurs?

And, looking back, there have been times when I've transferred that disappointment to whomever I thought was 'supposed' to protect me in that moment. 

Now that I'm an adult, the onus is on me to stand up for myself.  I am capable of it.  It's my job.

What does this all mean?  I have to get honest with myself and ask some tough questions.  What am I getting out of the fantasy?  What do I really want out of the relationship?  What am I prepared to do to achieve that?  What are my boundaries?  What do I deserve?  How do I want to be treated?  How can I learn to accept myself and stand up for myself more?  Am I prepared to let go of the fantasy relationship - and embrace the reality?  What's the worst thing that could happen if I let go of that fantasy?  Is that true?  Is the fear of letting go of the fantasy bigger than the liberation and joy of accepting myself? 

This is all a work in progress - so I don't know what the results will be.  I can't control their response or the outcome, but I can make different choices for myself.  Just recognizing that I am really the one who's in charge of how I feel makes me stronger, more clear and aware that I want to stand up for myself and I can.  Maybe that's all I need to know for now.

Oooops - I messed up

We all make mistakes.

Funny, how easy it is to forgive others and reassure them that stuff happens.... that they are doing the best they can with what they've got; to err is human and all that.  We are so much more kind towards others than we are towards ourselves when we trip up.

It's easy to say to others. 'Let it go.  Nobody is perfect.  Apologize, fix it, learn from the mistake and move on; do better next time.'

So - What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake?  What words do you use?  What about the tone?

Well, I goofed up today; a mistake that no one else will ever know about.  It might not seem like much to anyone else.  But, I know about it and it feels big.  The first thing I noticed was that I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut and I held my breath - nausea followed closely and then the words started flooding in.  I was yelling hurtful & recriminating words at myself (out loud and in my head).  That produced feelings of regret, disappointment, dismay, embarrassment and sadness.

Blech.  That's not the environment or attitude I want to create for myself. 

What did I do?
Well, I ran away.  I dove right into my bathtub (with bubbles).  In that moment it seemed like the safest place for me.  Safe yes, but I continued to beat myself up (verbally) for a bit.  Then, as I sat there in the hot, soothing water, trying to relax, I had a little chat with myself and realized that the angry words and feelings were futile and all that was happening is that I was punishing myself.

So, I imagined a conversation with the person and sincerely apologized for the slight.  Then I realized why I had done what I'd done - what my motivation was.  Fear and judgement.  There, I said it.  Fear and judgement had led me to react in a way that goes against how I really want to be - loving and open, accepting and fair. 

No wonder I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. 

Once I had realized why, I felt a bit better, because that helps me figure out what exactly caused my fear - what it was that caused me to feel threatened.   Aha.  So, that begs the question.  Is that threat real?  NO.  It's imagined, but it goes deep because ultimately, it shows me that I have some work to do in the area of abundance.

So, what do I do next?  Like I said, this error of mine may never be known by another soul.  So, there is really nothing to 'fix'.  What do I do now?  I want to move on - learn from this and let it go.  I cannot change the past.  What is done, is done.  The next step is to forgive myself for my own misjudgement - for not being perfect.

Ha - why is it so much easier to forgive others?

Maybe it's time for another bath. 

Rankin & Brown Telejam

I had the opportunity to listen to this Telejam yesterday, and I can say quite enthusiastically - It rocked!  Dr. Lissa Rankin & Brene Brown are cool (even if they say they're not), interesting, funny and wise women. 

This is all about optimal health, wellness & happiness - and as you know, I'm pretty passionate about those topics.  It felt like I was listening in on a fascinating conversation between two friends.  The tone is warm, friendly & supportive.  There are stories, personal insights and candid suggestions.  The info is really interesting and easy to relate to.  If you have an hour (and trust me, it FLIES by) please take a listen. 


They talk about the importance of vulnerability, joy and finding ways to get out of the chronic fight/flight cycle.  When we are calm - in a relaxed state - our body's natural healing abilities are activated.  When we are in fear/shame/anger, etc that same ability is shut down.  It's our natural survival mode.  When we think we're being threatened, the priority is fight/flight.  So, you can imagine how important it is to find ways to relax, feel safe and calm. 


http://lissarankin.com/program/brene/?inf_contact_key=f2585dfacb8b60a8609072b225053a699ce12a737f765250c2c77f0f7b36207e


 It's definitely time worth spending - on yourself!

That was some week

It's been a week of ups and downs.  So much happening inside and out.  There were times when I felt quite sad and overwhelmed and didn't really know what to do with it all.  By mid-week, I decided I needed to start taking care of myself again by reintroducing a morning yoga flow.  It's of my own design (done in my living room before I've even washed my face and put on my glasses) and I've come to feel quite protective of this time.  Whether I do 10 minutes or an hour and a half - it's my practice.  It's like a gift I give myself.  Over time, I've found it has become my time to just be.  Some days I set an intention, some days I don't.  Some days I'll add a new Asana and other days I rely on the tried and true.  Some days I feel in the flow and others it feels more of a struggle.   Then there are the days I'll ask a question or for help & guidance.  That's what I did this week.  And here's what happened. 

There I was in Downdog and it occurred to me that it's ok to not know all of the answers; it's ok to ask for help; it's ok to not be perfect.  So what if my heels don't touch the floor in this Asana.  Big deal.  I'm in it - I'm engaged - I'm present - I'm here.  That's good enough.   Being human, it's a guarantee I can't be perfect.  Of course it's ok to ask for help - and to receive it.  In that moment, an affirmation popped into my head - and it felt like a light went on.

"With grace and gratitude I receive abundance from the Universe."

What a joy and relief to say those words.  

Later that day a gift arrived the form of a blog posting from a lovely and talented woman who attended a group Stress Reduction session I gave earlier this month.  Please read Violette's story here.  She overcame fear during a troubling time, and I feel honored to have been able to help her and grateful that she is sharing her story.

www.violette.ca/2013/04/26/peaceful-meditations-and-creative-connections/

Sometimes it's hard to remember that we choose our thoughts - and it is nice to be reminded in such a gentle way that we can change them and overcome fear.

It's a great day for soup!

I have to share this story with you.  It is about someone with the most amazing spirit.  His name is Andrew; he's the teenage the son of a friend on mine.  

A bit of back-story about Andrew.  He has already experienced a few physical challenges in his short life.  Recently a dramatic turn of events put him in the hospital.  He was in a coma for a few days, endured major surgery (involving his digestive tract) and is now on the road to recovery.  He's still spending a lot of time in hospital and will be for a while.  Even after all of that, it doesn't appear to have dampened his enthusiasm or positive attitude.  Here's the update I got from my friend.
  
"Every day, three times a day for the past month, the hospital food cart has parked right outside Andrew's room to deliver meals to all the patients except him.  The cruel irony has not passed him by.  But he never despaired.  He just commented on the type of food being served and smiled.

Well, last night the food Santa delivered a meal for Andrew.  His eyes lit right up at the sight of the tray waiting for him in his room. A glorious three course meal of clear soup, jello and apple juice.

"It's a great day for soup!" announced Andrew, like some profound declaration of independence.

Couple that with an 6 hour furlough each day to go home in his street clothes, walk his dog and play some Wii, things have gotten a little more normal for the kid. Slow and steady.

That's the latest and greatest. Hope this finds you well."


What a wonderful lesson in finding joy in the most unexpected place.  It's humbling and inspires me to slow down, notice how fortunate I am and to feel grateful for what I have.  

Unexpected Beauty

There I was, wandering aimlessly in the Garden department of a big box store, when this delicate creature gracefully wafted by me and landed on a bouquet of spring flowers.  What a wonderful gift of unexpected beauty.  She (I think it's a she) let me take 4 photos of her before fluttering her wings and gliding off to find another bouquet.   Sometimes beauty just shows up.  I am so glad that I stopped to enjoy it - and now I get to share it with you.

A butterfly - in a Home Depot - in March - in Canada.
That settles it - anything is possible

.

Choose A Lane

'Choose a lane.'
Yep, that's what she said to me.
'Choose a lane and drive, Nicolette.'

It felt a bit like a slap in the face, but it was just what I needed.  I'd spent months with a Career Coach, figuring out what I really wanted to do - we looked at my values, what was truly important, what I wanted to accomplish and do with my life.  It was heavy and hard work.  Some days it felt like I was moving mountains and other times it was more like I was on a treadmill (I'm sweating and my legs are moving, but I'm not getting anywhere).  It really was time to make a move forward.

So, on that eventful day when she said, 'Choose a lane'....... I was confused and scared at first.  Really?  'Choose?  What if I choose the wrong lane?  Her response was, 'Well - you can always change your mind, and choose another one.'

Those words helped me get 'un-stuck' and gave me the kick-in-the-butt that I needed to get off the sidelines and into the game - or using that 'lane' analogy - put my car in drive, pull out of the rest-stop and get back on the road - continue my journey - live my life.

Was that was the moment I decided that, yes, I could do it - I could make a dramatic change in my career and in my life - to really believe in myself?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Or, maybe that doesn't matter.

What does matter is that each day I wake up, I get to 'choose a lane' and drive.  In fact, it's up to me to do it.  Sometimes I've got a destination in mind, and sometimes it's simply a pleasure ride.  What's important is that I am choosing - and I'm taking action.  And, if I don't like where I'm going or where I am, I can change lanes and take a different route.  And, yes, from time to time, I pull into a rest stop to take a look at the map and look at where I want to go, and then either reconsider my original destination or continue on my way. 

So, if you're feeling stuck today - take action, do something different (or differently).  See what happens when you choose a lane and drive.

Happy Hour

This morning I came across an article and wanted to share part of it with you.  Here's the quote that got me excited.

"By accomplishing something that is very hard for us," writes McGonigle, "like solving a puzzle or finishing a race, our brains release a potent cocktail of chemicals that make us feel satisfied, proud, and highly aroused. When we make someone else laugh or smile, our brain is flooded with dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward."
Jane McGonigle - game designer and author.

She's describing something that sounds like the makings of Happy Hour to me.
So - take a moment and mix up your own cocktail with elements that makes you feel good.  Add an umbrella or slice of juicy pineapple - pour it into a tall, frosted glass and take a satisfying sip.
Ahhhhhhhh.  Funny - when I imagine that, I instantly find myself on a tropical island, enjoying surf, sun and sand.

Where do you spend your Happy Hour?

Here's more about Jane McGonigle - author of
"Reality Is Broken:  Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change The World"

http://www.amazon.ca/Reality-Is-Broken-Better-Change/dp/1594202850

She's also an engaging presenter of a Ted Talk; seeing Gamers and Gaming in a different light.  Check out this video.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_gaming_can_make_a_better_world.html

New Year's Resolve

Happy 2013.
We made it into the new year
We got past the dire predictions and the holiday hoopla.
Yay.

Admittedly, this is a great time for reflection (what worked last year & what didn't) and resetting things (boundaries, goals & the PVR).

How are those resolutions coming along?  How's your resolve? 

I usually don't make new year's resolutions, but this year, I did.  Maybe it was the persistent reminder that our time on the planet is finite (thank you Mayan's). 

Looking for direction, the wise words of a teacher popped into my head....  'When we really want to do something, we find a way to do it.  The opposite works, too.  When we don't want to do something, we will find a way not to.  How we feel about something will override our willpower (immediately or eventually*)."
 * my words added.

Using that theory,  I looked at what I really wanted for this year; how I wanted to be. 
My goal:  I want to be healthier this year.  I considered why that was important to me and how I would feel about being healthier. Yes, I know, the word 'healthier' is subjective; not a specific, measurable goal, like say, 'I need to lose 10 pounds', or 'I have to walk 1 mile a day, or eat less chocolate'.

Instead - when I say to myself "I want to be healthier.", it can include what I eat, my activities, how much sleep I get, who I spend time with, how I get places and what I do for myself.  And guess what - somehow, I find myself wanting to practice yoga in the morning, reaching for an apple when I'm hungry for something sweet and choosing to walk to the grocery store.  That doesn't mean that sometimes I only do yoga for 15 minutes,  enjoy a piece of dark chocolate or take the bus/car when it's raining...... but it does mean that I'm engaged and each time I do something that promotes my health, I feel good about it.

What makes this different than the wording of a lot of 'resolutions', are the words 'I want to' (and meaning it). 

When we feel pressured or guilted-into, or manipulated into doing something - we begin to feel resentful and look for ways to get out of doing what ever it is - that can include resistance, avoidance or out-right rebellion.  Not a happy situation.  We notice feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, revenge, resentment, disappointment welling up inside us...... all very negative feelings that are usually paired up with negative words we say to ourselves.  This too often causes us to procrastinate, defer, delay, avoid, and quit.  When we're feeling that way, why would we want to do anything?

Wanting to do something trumps the duress of pressure.  It takes the heat off having to be perfect.  Somehow it also quiets my inner critic (when I slip up).  So the words I say to myself are kinder, more encouraging and generally more fun to hear.

So far this year, I have followed through - I am practicing yoga in the morning, am more aware of what I'm eating and have found myself choosing to walk places more.  The results may not be 'measurable' yet, but I do feel healthier and happier (that's a bonus!).  I'll keep you posted.